Face your inner child for true change

Maybe you force yourself to relax when you’re actually feeling insecure. Maybe you drag yourself to the gym even though every part of you says "no". Maybe you try to shove down jealousy when it creeps up, or say yes to intimacy when, deep down, you’re afraid of being rejected. These are moments when sheer willpower steps in, and for a while, it works.

You push through.

But here’s the problem: willpower is temporary.

You can only force yourself for so long before you fall back into the very behaviors you're trying to escape. That’s because willpower alone isn’t enough to overcome deeply ingrained patterns. At some point, your subconscious takes over, and those self-destructive habits sneak right back in.

So, what’s going on here? It’s simple: you’re treating the symptoms, not the cause.

Why Willpower Fails

Willpower is like a bandaid. It covers the wound, but it doesn’t heal it. The behaviors you’re forcing yourself to avoid - whether it’s insecurity, jealousy, fear of intimacy, or avoidance of the gym - are deeply rooted in your subconscious. They’ve been reinforced over years, often stemming from childhood conditioning. These patterns don’t disappear just because you force yourself to act differently.

For example:

- Forcing yourself to relax: When you're insecure, trying to act relaxed might work for a while, but your body knows the truth.

- Dragging yourself to the gym: You can make yourself go, but if you're not addressing the underlying reasons you avoid it, you'll eventually stop going.

- Suppressing jealousy: Pretending you don’t feel it just makes it stronger over time.

- Forcing yourself to be vulnerable: You might push yourself to be vulnerable, but if your fear of intimacy remains unaddressed, you’ll eventually withdraw.

The "Five Why" Method

Developed by Sakichi Toyoda as part of Toyota’s manufacturing process, involves asking "why" five times to drill down to the root cause of any problem. It's a simple yet effective way to move beyond the surface behavior and understand the underlying issue.

Let’s try an example with insecurity:

1. Why do I feel insecure?

   Because I don’t feel confident in social situations.

2. Why don’t I feel confident in social situations?

   Because I worry people will judge me or not like me.

3. Why do I worry that people will judge me?

   Because I’ve experienced rejection in the past when I’ve opened up.

4. Why does past rejection affect me so much now?

   Because I internalized it as proof that I’m not good enough.

5. Why do I believe I’m not good enough?

   Because, as a child, I wasn’t validated emotionally, and I grew up feeling I had to earn acceptance through perfection.

Suddenly, you’re not just dealing with insecurity. You’re facing years of conditioning that taught you your value depends on perfection. That’s something willpower alone can’t fix.

How Childhood Conditioning Shapes You

Many of our destructive behaviours stem from childhood experiences. Whether it’s the belief that we need to be perfect, fear of abandonment, or feeling unworthy, these deep-seated issues shape how we react to situations as adults. And until we confront those root causes, our behaviours will keep resurfacing.

No matter how much willpower we throw at them.

A Path to Healing

Willpower can help you start the journey, but true change comes from healing those underlying wounds. Here’s a brief path to start:

Recognise the behaviour: Identify the behaviours where you rely on willpower to "get by."

Ask "Why": Use the "Five Why" method to dig deeper into why these behaviours exist.

Acknowledge the pain: Understand that much of this stems from old conditioning, often tied to unmet emotional needs in childhood.

Seek support: Healing isn’t something you need to do alone. Therapy, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend can help you unpack these issues.

Practice self-compassion: Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself as you work through these deeply ingrained patterns.

Real transformation happens when you face the root cause. Only then can you break free from the cycle and move toward healing.

True change comes from within, not through force.